Saturday, October 6, 2012

Stairways to heaven.

Kalau sungguh cinta, mesti nak berdua ke syurga. 
Makanya, apa yang membawa ke neraka, 
itu bukan cinta namanya. 

-Hilal Asyraf. 

And so I wonder how can people boldly say that they love someone, then thoughtlessly throw that particular someone into torment and Hell-fire (by doing all sorts of actions which are indicated haram by Islam e.g. holding hands etc). 

I just couldn't comprehend the decisions most people are making nowadays. 

To have a thing for someone that is so near (seeing him every single day at school) but too far to reach by the hands (because confessing is just too mainstream), is somewhat... heartbreaking, devastating and agonizing. Didn't you wish you could just exhale all those feelings out so that you'd be able to breathe normally once again? 

Perasaan ditimpa perasaan tu, bukan semata sesuatu yang indah. 

Suffocated, in this world filled with oxygen is just plainly crazy. 
Kinda like having that drowning feeling to some extend. 
Strange, how can a feeling for someone makes you feel all those things at the same time?
Somehow emotionally exhausted from liking someone like you. 

And how exactly... do you expect yourself to be a wife to that particular someone, to be called a mother by someone, if (in case you hadn't realize) you are still in current state of self? 

#I'm reflecting. 

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Here and There. If you still care to read :)

Bismillah~ 

After such a long time ey? It seems like I've lost my passion in writing after being tangled up in medicine (excuses, excuses). Yet again, I don't have a better excuse than that -_-" Sighs. A lil pathetic, I know. So here I am, sneaking time to actually write (more to ramble?) something. Huuuuh.  

I'm back in Mansoura (thankfully, Allah eases my journey through and through. The smoothest journey of going back, ever) and here I am, pursuing medicine as a 4th year medical student :) My heart skips a bit every time I came to realize that, hihi. 

How's life treating me so far, you would ask. 

Hmmm. Hectic, crazy and awesome. As I wrote in my status on Facebook, I wonder if it's even legal to put those words in the same sentence, next to each other. They collide, I know. But that's how it is, my life currently is kinda complicated with every bits of events and incidents I'm experiencing. 

Having almost 400 juniors this year is no joke. 
We, seniors, are handful at managing them. 

It feels surreal sometimes, realizing that I'm in my clinical year already, spending most of my time in the hospital (I'm currently in Chest Department) and our rotation is rather hardcore if being compared to the other two departments (Cardiac and Hematology, that is). My schedule is basically being back and forth from university and the hospital, really. 

Exhausted mind and soul, if you ask me. 

But to think that I was assigned to Chest and Cardiac Department when I did my attachment during last summer hols. *excited face* 

(I believed) I mastered the ability to take history of the patients during last two weeks hihihihi, and I have two more weeks in Chest Department before end-of-round exams on 15th October and moving forward to the either two departments. Goosebumps already, to think that the exam is just around the corner. *bashing my head to the study table* 

Anyways, we (Semester 7 of Manchester students) will make it through, inshaAllah. I just know :) 

Until whenever I could bring myself to write again. 
Assalamualaikum. 

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Sirrullah. (rahsia Allah in arabic)

When was the last time you let your eyes (which is a ni'mah bestowed upon you by Allah) to cry helplessly in the act of sujud?

Malam ini, biar menjadi rahsia,
sang pendosa ini bertemu Tuhannya.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Minal aidin wa faizin.

...dan entah kenapa waktu nak susun biskut-biskut raya ke dalam balang tadi, hati ni menjadi walang. Bibir tanpa sedar dah mencebik, air mata mengacah untuk mengalir. Untuk pertama kali, aku sedih bila tahu Ramadhan dah nak pergi.

I know I'm going to miss Ramadhan when it's gone, but I feel like I'm not making the most of it. -KhadimulQuran.

Rasa sebak ini, rasa lemas ini, rasa sesak ini, harus aku nukilkan bagaimana--
Seolah sang kekasih bakal pergi meninggalkan,
dan sang pencinta tidak ikhlas ini,
tidak tahu apa Tuhan akan benarkan mereka untuk ketemu lagi.

Mungkinkah?

Allahu Allah, ya muqallibal qulub...
Tsabbit quluby 'ala deenyk.
Wahai pembolak balik hati, tetapkanlah hatiku pada agama-Mu.

Semoga. :')
Taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum, minal aidin wa faizin.

Ps; I don't think I deserve to celebrate the Eid this time around. You, young lady, has no right, no right at all.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Brokenhearted Malaysians?

Tons of Malaysians' hearts were broken tonight, I believe. Seeing for the 21st time, Lin Dan defeated Datuk Lee Chong Wei. My heart goes to you, Datuk. You did a job well done, you rise above all else, but it was fated that the gold medal belongs to Lin Dan.

I wonder if Datuk could even sleep tonight, agonizing about his lost. I'm worried, truthfully, wondering if he could compose himself after the epic final match. If I was at his place, perhaps, I already cried my heart out in despair.

How to mend your broken heart?
(Dedicated to all Malaysians who had their hearts broken tonight)

Perhaps..., remind yourself how Datuk Lee Chong Wei made his way this far. His qualification to the Olympics was questionable since he is still in rehabilitation for his previous injuries. On top of that, he was burdened with the news of his father's health. And yet, he still made it to the finals.

Secondly, perhaps you ought to look back on the reasons why Allah Taala didn't let Malaysia to win her first ever gold medal tonight. There are blessings in disguise in everything that happened, there are reasons as to why it was fated that we can't grasp that gold medal just yet.

How many of Malaysians didn't went to perform Solatul Tarawikh just so you could watch that final match between Datuk and Lin Dan?
(I am not an exception for that matter, and this is not something I'm proud of)

Allah Taala lebih tahu kalau sesuatu tu memudaratkan. Tak ke?

Might be if Datuk did win the match tonight, some of Malaysians would be delighted as they didn't went to perform Salatul Tarawikh, as they were witnessing history was being made. And some Malaysians might just regret going to the mosque for that matter.

Allah knows. Indeed He knows best.

You can cry, sure. Cry in your solah and ask to Allah that may He mend all the Malaysians' broken hearts (perhaps Datuk Lee Chong Wei's too!) and may He granted us victory in other matter for that. Ameen, ya Rabb.

You are still a national Hero, Datuk!
Don't be sad as we are always with you.

x

Kau pernah tak?

I

"Pernah tak bila kau buat dosa lepas tu kau menggigil takut murkanya Tuhan tengah menanti? Takut Tuhan takkan bagi kau peluang untuk dekat dengan Dia lagi? Sebab kau tahu dosa dan kebaikan macam air dan minyak yang takkan pernah boleh bersatu sampai mati.

Pernah tak?"

II

"Pernah tak bila kau dah jauh sangat dengan Tuhan, kisah-kisah mereka yang kembali pada Tuhan, kembali pada fitrah yang sukakan kebaikan, buat kau rasa nak menangis sesungai dua, kenapa kau tak sekuat diorang untuk ikut pulang pada Dia?

Pernah tak?"

III

"Pernah tak rasa sakit bila kau dah sayang seorang lelaki separuh nyawa, dan takdir Dia, kau mula kenal Tuhan, lalu kau tinggalkan dia demi Dia yang Lebih Kuasa? Sebab kau tahu hati cuma ada satu, dan takhtanya tak boleh terbahagi dua.

Pernah tak?"

IV

"Pernah tak kau jatuh, bangun, jatuh, bangun berulang kali, lalu satu masa kau biarkan diri jatuh terlalu lama dan hilang arah, sampai terlupa kau perlu bangun? Sebab kau rasa penat untuk mulakan segalanya dari A, sebab kau rasa kalau kau bangun balik pun kau bakal jatuh lagi?

Pernah tak?"
___________________________________________________________________

How can you love when you are afraid to fall? How can you prove to Allah that you are in love with Him, if you have not been tested with difficulties to hold on onto Him?

Reminder to self through and through and I basically rambles regarding anything that I had on my mind while waiting for Sahur.

O Allah! May You strengthen the imaan of everyone who read these writings of mine. I didn't know their problems, You do. So may You indulge them with Your blessings, with joy, perseverance, Sabr, and may they be the chosen ones to be bestowed Jannatul Firdaus upon them.

Ameen, inshaAllah.
x

Kupu Kupu.

Butterfly, terbanglah tinggi...
Setinggi anganku untuk meraihMu.

Bukan susah nak buat jahat, dan bukan senang nak jadi baik. So sometimes I wonder, why won't we give ourselves a chance to be a better person?

Rasa hipokrit? Rasanya macam lebih baik rasa hipokrit dari bakal rasa azab Tuhan di akhirat. Jahat orang tak suka, kadang-kadang baik sangat pun orang tak suka tapi lebih baik jadi baik sebab at least Allah suka. Bukan ke? Kita berusaha jadi baik bukan sebab iman kita kuat, tapi kita berusaha jadi baik untuk kuatkan iman kita. Tak ke?

Rasanya sejak kebelakangan ni macam I always get what I asked for, in terms of something that I don't feel obligate to mention here. Every single thing without fail until the moment when I don't get it, I feel like my whole world going to shatter into pieces.

Unlikely.

There's definitely something wrong me with me, I thought. So I ponder upon myself (did a self-reflection throughout the night and day) and yeah... I figured something out.

Kenapa aku terlupa yang semua dalam dunia ni adalah rezeki dari Allah? Macam ada sebab kenapa bila kau pergi Bazaar Ramadhan tu kau berhenti kat satu gerai dan beli makanan dari dia even though lepas tu bila berbuka rasa makanan dia tak seberapa. Itu rezeki penjual tu yang Allah sampaikan daripada kita. Ada sebab kenapa kita pembeli ni kadang-kadang kena tipu dengan penjual. Itu rezeki dia.

You wouldn't know what kind of deeds they have been doing in their life, mungkin semalam dia solat sunat terlebih rakaat mohon hajat rezeki lebih esok hari, dan kau takkan tahu Allah tengah makbulkan doa dia yang mana satu. Bukan ke?

Okay terlajak pasal pembeli penjual segala padahal point kat sini cuma nak kata yang Allah tahu dah banyak sangat Dia bagi apa yang aku nak so that day, He put a full stop. Sebenarnya bukan full stop pun sebab I did manage to have one, yang aku rasa macam tak berkenan, tapi itu jugaklah yang Allah bagi just because He knew that I NEED THAT.

Aku toleh almari dan Subhanallah! Memang Allah kasi apa yang perlu pun :')

Entahlah, kita manusia ni senang dibuai dengan dunia, senang terlupa apa yang utama, senang tersungkur pada yang tak ada apanya. Aku memang takde tiket untuk terkecuali dalam hal ni, sebab macam kalian, aku pun pegang status pendosa. Everyday is still a struggle for me, and without doubt, I tend to commit sins, Astarghfirullah.

We are sinners, aren't we? We might not sin for the same exact reason, so don't go mocking people around just because they sin differently.

Kita,
di mata Tuhan,
tetap sama,
tanpa ada bezanya.

15 Ramadhans had passed. What have you been doing, folks?
Allahumma balighna ya Lailatul Qadar.
:)

x

Friday, July 27, 2012

Find your way back into L-O-V-E.

Teruk sangat 'janji Melayu' saya yang konon nak bercerita pasal dua budak first year of med students from Russia tu kan? Hah, maafkanlah, kalau kelapangan dan kalau masih kisah mereka melekat dalam kepala, bakal cari masa untuk ceritakan jugak :)

*Menulis bertemankan lagu dalam playlist 'For The Love of Allah'*

I think it is still not too late (and never will?) for me to say that I am thankful to Allah and grateful to Him that I am able to have another encounter with the month full of His love; Ramadhan. That He actually let me to be showered with His blessings in this Holy month once again... For a sinner like me, this kind of privilege is beyond words that I can create.

Allahuakbar.
*Err, juga menulis bertemankan Contengan Jalanan by Hlovate dekat sebelah*
Sengih.

Rasanya kalau setiap kali Ramadhan tak baca Contengan Jalanan ni, macam tak sah. Lagi-lagi kalau rasa 'roh' Ramadhan tu tak terjah masuk dalam jasad lagi. Bila teringat kisah Chad, Fend and K² terus macam... be grateful Nuha that you are actually alive, dan bukannya cuma watak dalam buku novel.

You have the opportunity to be like them, (minus the masjid-hopping sessions since I am a girl, kan) berlumba-lumba nak baca Quran sampai serak-serak suara, menapak atas bumi Tuhan (Australia in their case) dalam bulan Ramadhan macam tak cukup tanah, dan berjalan; untuk mencari erti hidup.

Dialah yang menjadikan bumi itu mudah bagi kamu, maka berjalanlah di segenap penjurunya dan makanlah sebahagian daripada rezeki-Nya. Dan hanya kepada-Nyalah kamu (kembali setelah) dibangkitkan. -Surah al Mulk: 15.

Awak hidup untuk apa, Nuha?
*Terdiam, lama*
Senangnya awak lupa? Padahal dulu yang duk pumpang pumpang pasal ayat 2:30 dan 51:56 tu siapa...?
Habis. Kena sebijik dengan akal sendiri.

Hidup di dunia ni seperti perjalanan yang terlalu panjang dan terlalu banyak perhentian sementara, hingga kadang kadang terlupa diri ni nak ke mana. -Hlovate.

Makanya manusia tu digelar 'insan', asalnya dari perkataan 'nasit'; lupa. Tapi tu kan bukan alasan untuk kita tak improve diri sendiri untuk jadi lebih baik dari apa yang orang atau diri sendiri sangkakan? :)

Jadinya Ramadhan kali ni pun awak nak biar berlalu macam tahun-tahun lepas tu? Ber-Ramadhan secara adat-- orang puasa awak puasa, orang tarawikh awak tarawikh, whenever you crossed the word Ramadhan, the first thing that came into your mind is the Bazaar Ramadhan itself, cerita masak-masak juadah berbuka, buat kuih raya, tempah baju kasut raya, belum cukup sehari puasa lagu raya dah bergendang dalam telinga.

All that sidelines, you are going to let 'em conquered you just like they did all these years?
Bukan ke bulan Ramadhan ni bulan yang penuh dengan kasih sayang Tuhan?
Tahu tak, tak ada ummat nabi lain yang Allah bagikan mereka nikmat Ramadhan?

Do you know that if you are sinning in this Holy month of Ramadhan, it doesn't defined who you are? Instead, it reflects on how much Shaytan has affected you in the last 11 months.

A reminder to myself through and through.

"Deras arus dunia menghanyutkan yang terleka,
Indah fatamorgana melalaikan menipu daya,
Dikejar, dicintai, bak bayangan tak bertepi,
Tiada sudahnya dunia yang dicari.
Begitu indah dunia siapapun kan tergoda~" -Fatamorgana by Hijjaz.

Aci tak kalau cakap tengah sedap menaip ni playlist lagu keluar lagu ni? Terus taip sebab rasa macam... entah. Beauty.

:)

So, apa plan awak untuk buat Ramadhan kali ni luar biasa, a memorable distinctive one? Hari ni baru nak masuk 7 Ramadhan, jadi apa pun yang awak azamkan, ada tiga minggu lagi untuk jadikan dia realiti. Are you up for it?

Sebab Ramadhan tahun ni saya cabar diri sendiri untuk baca Quran satu hari satu juzu', dengan izin Allah. Kalau Imam Syafie mampu khatam Quran 60 kali (yes, you don't read that wrong) dalam masa sebulan, apalah sangat khatam sekali tu ye tak?

But the thoughts and the efforts that counts.

Jadinya tak payahlah menyibukkan diri nak sedih umur dah 21 tahun baru terkedek nak cuba khatam dalam bulan Ramadhan ke apa (tembak diri sendiri la ni) sebab banyak lagi benda yang boleh disibukkan ;) Yang penting bila awak dah ada aim, strive hard to achieve it.

_________________________________________________________________

Ruh Ramadhan tu lekatnya di hati.Kalau hati mahu,ruh tu boleh dirasai di mana-mana.Palinglah ke mana,jejaklah ke mana,menapaklah ke mana,masih bumi Allah juga.Tak gitu?

Pap.Pahanya ditepuk perlahan.

“Jom,gerak.” K² merenungnya dengan kening terangkat. “Nak pergi iktikaf ke dak ni?”

Senyum melebar jadi sengih.Betul,bumi mana pun masih milik Allah juga.Dan di antara langit dan bumi itu pun segalanya milik Allah juga.Termasuklah hati-hati manusia yang ada di antara keduanya.

“Lagi tiga saat kau tak bergerak,aku tinggal.” K² dah melangkah.Boleh pulak nak buat gaya patung batu kapur tengah-tengah orang bercakap.

Haha.Fend bingkas bangun. “Sampai hati kau nak masuk syurga,pi tinggal aku?” Saja.

“Dah tu?Sampai hati aku ajak masuk syurga kau tak nak?” K² pandang ke belakang sekilas dengan sengih selamba.

Fend sengih.Kena sebijik dengan K². (CJ by Hlovate)

Ps; Ini saya tengah ajak awak masuk syurga ni~
.
.

Hari pertama bertarawikh, kami tak ke masjid, cuma bertarawikh di Surau At-Taqwa bawah bukit sana tu (pretend lah macam korang tahu kat mana saya tinggal okay?), dan nak dijadikan cerita format tarawikh kat surau tu... setiap 4 rakaat solat akan ada tazkirah selama setengah jam. Sila kira sendiri berapa lama tarawikh malam tu untuk 20 rakaat, jangan malas :p

Point dia kat sini, nak kongsi satu hadis yang ustaz tu bagitahu je.

Dari Ka’ab Bin ‘Ujrah (ra) katanya:

Rasulullah S.A.W bersabda: Berhimpunlah kamu sekalian dekat dengan mimbar. Maka kami pun berhimpun. Lalu beliau menaiki anak tangga mimbar, beliau berkata: Amin. Ketika naik ke anak tangga kedua, beliau berkata lagi: Amin. Dan ketika menaiki anak tangga ketiga, beliau berkata lagi: Amin. Dan ketika beliau turun (dari mimbar) kami pun bertanya: Ya Rasulullah, kami telah mendengar sesuatu dari tuan pada hari ini yang kami belum pernah mendengarnya sebelum ini.

Lalu baginda menjawab:

“Sesungguhnya Jibrail (A.S) telah membisikkan (doa) kepadaku, katanya: Celakalah orang yang memasuki bulan Ramadhan tetapi dosanya tidak juga diampuni. Lalu aku pun mengaminkan doa tersebut. Ketika aku naik ke anak tangga kedua, dia berkata lagi: Celakalah orang yang (apabila) disebut namamu di sisinya tetapi dia tidak menyambutnya dengan salawat ke atasmu. Lalu aku pun mengaminkannya. Dan ketika aku naik ke anak tangga yang ketiga, dia berkata lagi: Celakalah orang yang mendapati ibubapanya yang sudah tua atau salah seorang daripadanya, namun mereka tidak memasukkan dia ke dalam syurga. Lalu aku pun mengaminkannya.


Hadits Riwayat Bazzar dalam Majma’uz Zawaid 10/1675-166, Hakim 4/153 disahihkannya dan disetujui oleh Imam Adz-Dzahabi dari Ka’ab bin Ujrah, diriwayatkan juga oleh Imam Bukhari dalam Adabul Mufrad no. 644 (Shahih Al-Adabul Mufrad No.500 dari Jabir bin Abdillah.
.
.
.

Kelmarin ke? Entah, lupa. Tengah mencari parking dalam Masjid Biru, Shah Alam untuk pergi bertarawikh dan takdirnya hari tu tempat yang kami selalu parking penuh diisi orang.

"Terpaksalah parking jauh sikit." kata ummi.
"Takpe lah parking jauh asalkan boleh solat." kata Aiman, my 10 years old brother.

Tersentuh hati kakak dia ni. :')

Yang tu kisah beberapa malam lepas, yang ni kisah tadi. Kami yang besar-besar ni dah sepakat nak buat 8 rakaat je malam ni. Tiba-tiba...

"Tapi, Aiman nak buat 23 boleh ke?" kata si kecik.

Sudahnya semua orang buat 23 malam ni thanks to him :') Subhanallah. May Allah granted him with Jannah for such pure beautiful mind.

Ps; I just turned 21 on 25th July, alhamdulillah. With increase in age, comes great responsibilities.

x

Friday, July 6, 2012

Log book #2

5 JULY 2012

Some are wondering on why I didn't have any updates on the last three days of my posting. Errr, that's because I didn't went to the hospital as I was feeling quite under the weather. Fret not, after taking some medications prescribed by Dr. Malek (pretend lah macam korang kenal ye), I gather myself up to face the world HOYEAH! (Exaggerations are my middle name, excuse me -_-).

Wearing a very royal-ish yellow 'Kurung' and a brown scarf to tone down the yellow, I walked down to the aisle, I mean hospital cafeteria (known as Med Cafe), having my Nasi Lemak and Teh 'O Susu as usual. Met the lovely sisters from Ireland and we chitchatted for quite some time before I took my leave and went to the 13th floor, Geriatrics Ward. Left my bag at the staff room and off I went on the quest to search for my MO, Dr. Vijayan. :)

**By wearing yellow, I was hoping that my day would be as bright as my clothes, teeheehee!

My MO is nowhere to be seen, unfortunately so I text one of the sisters from Ireland, asking if I could join them for their ward round and they said yes. Told you they are very nice sisters! I won't be calling anyone 'lovely' for no apparent reason :B

Anyways.

Still remember when I complaint (sort of) about some Malay doctors who are very unlikely to make charity with their smiles? Well, they still are. Hah.

But I decided to be the one who make the changes that I want to see-- a situation where; everyone puts up a smile on their face to anyone even to a stranger, no matter what their ranks are, MOs smile to the nurses, Consultants smile to the HOs, or even students smile to the cleaner. Yes, I would like that to happen, so so much!

So, to see that becoming reality, I handpicked myself (boleh ke cenggitu?) to be the one who started it, :)

A very dear usrah-mate of mine once said; "Untuk tengok perubahan yang kita nak berlaku dalam dunia ni, ubah diri kita sendiri dulu. Maksudnya, kalau kita nak satu komuniti tu menepati masa, kita perlu tepati masa dulu. Let people see it happens through us." or something like that.

:)

What happened today was that, an elderly Chinese patient died at the ward 12U and I happened to be in that room. The first death I encountered during my almost two weeks of posting, and I immediately have a mixed feeling when I wonder about the fact that the angel of death was just around, at that moment. I stepped back as the children of the late grandmother mourning badly; asking for her mother to get up and open her eyes.

Teary.

The children were in such a chronic denial that they asked me to help them to bring a wheelchair as they said their mother wanted to get up and walk. Errrr, I have chills for a second there. When I refused to help, the son rushed out of the ward, towards the counter, took the wheelchair and runs to his late mother's ward, helping his sister to carry their mother onto the wheelchair.

Tragic. I had to stepped away from that ward soon after that because I don't think I can meet the children at their eyes. :( The situations went on for about 1 hour before the children finally accept the fact that their mother is gone. Huuuuhhh.

Anyways.

I met a handful of new faces at the ward, the elective students, I mean. I met one from Belfast, UK and two from Moscow, Russia. I'll tell you the tale about that two first year students from Russia perhaps in another entry, inshaAllah. There's something that I wanted to share, and you (future elective students, per se) might learn something from the story, just like I did :)

X

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Log book.

Yesterday as in Friday, marked my first week being in the hospital. I won't say the things I went through ain't pretty, instead, they were the greatest experiences I ever encounter. :) I believe I won't be getting such incidents anywhere else. Like I wrote in the previous entry, the first day was indeed lousy, but despite all that, it motivates me to not have such day ever again.

To be productive, per se.

Which indicates that by all means, I'll look for something to learn in other places (departments) instead of sticking to one and be discourage by the fact that I'm not doing anything there.

Following the ward round at 8am in the morning was the hardest thing for me to do. Not for the reasons I need to be early in the hospital (I arrived at the hospital around 7.15am so I don't really have any problem with the timing), but the thing is, I'm kinda feel awkward standing in the corner, following all the doctors around.

:/

I can feel that I'm being a 'kera sumbang' at those times. And believe me when I say that I have to learn to walk with... fast speed. If I don't, I'll be losing their traces in a blink of the eyes. No joke. Berjalan laju macam tak cukup tanah hospital tu aku kerjakan.

Heh.

One of the most valuable lessons I learnt is that, to never be a snobbish doctor! I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive but some Malay doctors in the hospital are just plain... snob. Glancing you across their eyes, and some won't look at you right in the eyes. Not even when putting up a smile. -_-"

*I emphasized on the word "some" as not every Malay doctors behave like that. I encountered quite a number of lovely Malay doctors as well.

I talked about that to my dad, and I told him that I won't let myself treating my patients and junior doctors like that in the future, inshaAllah. Surprisingly, those doctors who were very helpful and care to talk to me also teach a thing or two would be Chinese, Indian and foreigner doctors.

How ironic is that?

________________________________________________

The first three days of my posting, I reflect upon why I choose medicine as a career. Upon why, why on earth I made it compulsory for myself to do an elective posting when I can just enjoying my 3 months of summer holidays (you'll be amazed by the number of doctors who asked me to just stay at home and don't bother exhausting myself to come to the hospital).

That's the first time in three years I ever thought of that in such... err, negative way.
Fret not, I came to my senses pretty soon after that. :)
Thanks to my dad.

He said: "Why did you decide to do the posting? Because most of your friends are doing it?" and I shook my head as an answer. Then my dad said: "Because you wanted experiences? If that so, being neglected, feeling awkward, having those kind of emotions are also experience, yes?"

That's when I smiled in my head, thinking 'Yes, those are all priceless experiences'.

________________________________________________

I have two weeks remaining in the hospital and I aimed to brush up my history-taking skills. I took a few yesterday but just as I step away from their bed, I felt that I am still very much lacking in such skill :( I failed to ask quite a number important questions that are crucial in diagnosing.

In two weeks time, inshaAllah, I'll be fluent in asking hihi.

_________________________________________________

To those friendly 'abang-abang' senior who are in their final year, thank you for welcoming me in joining your tutorial sessions and ward rounds, especially when you said: "Puan, ini junior saya tapi dia belajar di Mesir." to one of the patients :') I felt blessed to have you guys around when I'm being surrounded by serious-looking HOs, MOs, and Consultants.

I pray for your success and I would love to be working in the same hospital with you guys in the future, inshaAllah! ^^

Ps; Off to study for next week~

X

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Day 1 and Day 2 as an elective student.

And so I've started my elective posting yesterday morning at University Malaya Medical Center. I woke up at 5.30am (God, it has been months since I last saw the alarm ticked at that number, sobs) and started off my journey to the hospital with my mother around 6.30pm. KL, lots of cars, traffic jams and you know where I'm heading...

My first day was a very slow one indeed; that I almost have a mental breakdown thinking where and what should I do to make myself useful and at the same time, full-filling my targets as to why I'm there at the hospital, doing my attachment to begin with. I spent most of my time in front of the lift, thinking hard... which floor should I go to.

Not to mention I wasted several hours went back and forth waiting for my consultant as in my supervisor; Prof. Wan, to report myself to him. 13th floor, 12th floor, 4th floor, 3rd floor, 5th floor and I went to 13th floor again, then I was at 4th but most of the time at 3rd floor and... the cycle goes on.

Lousy, I'd say.
*sighs*

But that was soooo yesterday. I started my day this morning pretty well, I believe. Meeting the two sisters from Ireland and tagging along with them was quite an experience. They are going for their final year so their knowledge and clinical skills are up to the notch. I love the fact that they were so friendly and helpful, Alhamdulillah. Dr. Sanjiv was a very helpful consultant, I like him for that. Dr. Kevin too, not to forget Dr. Vijayan and Dr. Athar for having me tagged along with them across the wards for the case presentation.

I aimed for a better day as for tomorrow, inshaAllah. :) I hope I am able to brush off my quite-an-inappropriate-shyness -__-" And of course, be able to bring myself around!

Pray for me, cupcakes!
X

Monday, June 11, 2012

a thing or two.

You know that a best friend would often say this to one another;

I love you for the sake of Allah, and if you ever went astray,
then my love for you will fade away.

:)

A good friend of mine wrote;

Next time when you dare to play with fire,
please, remember that the consequences is heart wrenching.
as that is the punishment that you will get, when you sin.

Do you know that the moment you drifted away from God, you are on the verge of losing your friends -- whose bonded to you Fillahi and Lillahi Taala? A lil bit hazy? Er? How can I give a further account on this I wonder. *scratching my chin* Hmph.

.
.
Right.

You love your friend because of her love for Allah, and of course for everything she has to offer within her. You guys vow that your friendship is none other than for the sake of Him and Him only. Imagine, for instance, you lose your pace in becoming a servant of His, you commit sins, on one fine day. But this friend of yours, are being consistent and becoming a better muslimah by the day.

For some legit reasons (that I think you're well aware of), you'll feel disappointed with yourself, you'll be ashamed by your wrongdoings, you're envying her consistency, and all these emotions will eventually lead to your low self-esteem and you'll feel that you are not worth for the so called friendship-for-the-sake-of-Allah itself.

And... you'll distance yourself from her.

That's how it is, until you find your way back to rise again, catching up to your previous pace, or be even better than your former self!

:)

Ps; I pray to be as strong as you.

X

Sunday, June 10, 2012

being ridiculous at some point.

I have a dream, a song to sing, to cope with anything
If you see the wonder of the fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail~

If that lyrics were even right. Scratch that. I just google-d the lyrics and yes, they can never be accurate as they are. Yaaay to my never fading memories to old school songs *dancing happily in my mind*. Needless to say (I figured that). It has been a pretty odd week (if not, weeks, since I came back from Egypt) for me.

Odd, and full of desires and thoughts.

What kind of desires? Worldly. I won't go into details but people who has been following me on twitter and Instagram should know what I'm talking about. One after another. Sighs.

I blame all these desires to the stress I had to put up during last final examinations. Yes, I had to blame all the desires I wanted for the past few weeks on something to lessen my guilty. -_-' Judge me all you want but keep the verdicts to yourself.

I know myself better than anyone. At least I think I do. :D

Alhamdullillah, I know I am blessed to live as my current self, to have a great life, a superb family (including my extended ones, and I'm utterly thankful to Allah Taala for that) to begin with, to have an amazing circle of friends, to have medicine as my future career and some may think that it is outrageous and ridiculous that I wish for something more.

But I just do.

It does sounds like a selfish and greedy request, but trust me when I say it isn't. For reasons that I don't feel obligate to mention here. And some people are giving comments like;

"You already have everything."

"What else do you want?"

These remarks makes it seem like I'm not grateful with what I already have, when I do. I am grateful. If only and only if I can put everything into words for these kind of people to understand...
____________________________________________________

I've done something proactive today by doing a spring cleaning to my room with Kak Cindy; our lovely maid. Seriously, if not for Kak Cindy's presence, I don't think I can ever cleaning up my room like I did just now, not when you have a number of cockroaches in your room.

That's what happen when you only came back to Malaysia for two to three months a year (such a bliss, I know). And to think that I slept in that room for the past two weeks is... horrifying. I had goosebumps all over me.

I thanked my dad that he's super generous in helping me to drill the wall for me to put up a somewhat-a-hanger-like thing-y (I seriously can't figure out the words right now, pardon me) so that I can hang my clothes! My wardrobe is beyond full right now and I need my mum to come home fast so that we can go to Ikea to buy a new drawer!

-.-;

X

introducing you...

HER.

X

To have someone you love...

...is to support 'em in every possible things they pursuit for.

If you can't do that much for them, and I shall say you are not yet capable to handle someone in your life. Well, I'm not saying that when you protect their dreams you are responsible for that someone's future. But it doesn't kills you to make an effort no?

I watched a Japanese drama not too long ago, regarding this young lady who's pursuing her dreams in tennis, and she fell in love with this one guy who happens to be her senior in the tennis club -- which he rocks at it, no bluff, -- and her coach didn't allow her to indulge in her feelings as it will affect her performance.

Shockingly, the coach met this senior and asked him "Do you like Oka-kun?" and he replied, after quite a long pause and I thought he was hesitating but he was gathering his strength to answer "Yes, I love her." He was saying that more to himself I guess but that's not the point I'm going for.

The coach continues, "Then you must do her a favor. Don't get near her until you can become a man who can protect her woman."

O.... kay. Those words were not easy to interpret, even for the hero himself.

He was confused at first but later along the story lines, he figured it out amazingly. "I understand now what actually the coach meant. I have to be the man who can actually protect Oka, protect her dreams, be alongside with her, accompanying her in our pursuit to become the Japan best tennis players, while having such feelings for her. And I don't think I'm ready. I can't control myself when I'm around her."

Awwww. He said that to his best friend, whom, I forgot his name.

Although I despise the coach for saying that to both of 'em, he caught my heart by saying this to Oka-kun, "Oka, don't ever let Todou-san go. Hold on to him. He's the only guy who can protect your dreams. And with that, be a woman who is worth for him to wait for."

>.<

Cut the corny and mushy part, after that, he gathers himself up, he became a much better guy and tennis player, and he did protect Oka and her dreams, in his own way, with the feelings he had for her. Thumbs up for Todou-san!

_______________________________________

On the contrary, I was watching a Cerekarama just now, about a guy who's crazy about football and aims to be a national football player. But then, he falls for this one girl who happens to hate everyone or every single thing which has connections to football as his father died playing football or something close to that.

So she said to this guy, "If only and only if you leave your passion for football, I will consider you proposal. That is if you want to have a chance to go out with me,"

I thought to myself... Whaaaat? Why? Why would you cut off someone's dream? Why did you make him choose between you and his passions? You don't even know if you guys would be married off to each other. And when you lose that feelings, one day, --not that I wish for that to happen -- what's left is your passion in life.

You don't basically go shutting down people's dreams, man. You should somehow help to protect it.

With that being said, I'm off to Dreamland.

X

Saturday, June 9, 2012

'To Hope' is all I have.

Bismillah~

I was having 'those' kind of mood of redecorating my blog once again, longing for the very same feeling I once had towards writing and hoping it will eventually find its way to my system. I pray for it to happen. Err, if you are wondering... yes, I drew the cartoon myself. I'm bad at it, I know. -_-" Drawing and sketching are never my cup of teas.

I'm fond into coloring tho. And can someone please reasoning me on why I'm telling this? >.< Gaaah. I don't have an answer to that but I know that I'm blessed that all the things on my wishlist has been ticked off :') Worldly desires, I know. Sighs. And remind me on why I'm blabbering about this again?

Chaemi-optta!
x

Thursday, May 24, 2012

a smile would do.

What more can be happier than the fact that I'm done with my 3rd year in med school? All praises go to Allah Taala for He let miracles to happen, each and every day, mashaAllah!

Balik ke rumah dari habis kertas terakhir semalam, bukak Fesbuk dan disajikan dengan berita gembira. Sahabat se-batch saya, bakal menikah Julai nanti Subhanallah, mabruk alaikum untuk awak dan bakal suami~ Aaaah, I knew something was going on when we have our flight back to Malaysia last winter break ;D

Hihi.

Few of my beautiful ladies and readers, asked me recently, on why I seems to be less creating words for eyes to see, read and heed. I hereby sincerely apologized for lacking in time management, not that I wanted to but hey..., I don't have any excuses do I? I figured that much.

*sujud syukur*
I received an offer letter in my email just now, regarding an attachment to be done in University Malaya Medical Centre, Subhanallah! Terus guling-guling sebelah housemates bila dapat email tu. I am so over the moon! :D Well, you know, I'll be going for my clinical years in September so I make it compulsory for myself to go for an attachment before I indulge myself in clinical years here in Egypt. :)

It's up to you, really, to make a decision whether you wanted an early experience in the Malaysia hospitals or not. Your career and life are at stake. After your 6 years abroad in foreign medical schools, you'll served the hospitals in Malaysia nonetheless. So I figured that it would be helpful if I do an attachment so that I can get used to Malaysia's hospital environment.

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah!

x

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Just plain weird.

This whole semester is weird.

Like weird, weird. Maybe unique at some levels, but I am going for weird. I am weird too, for many reasons. At least I think and feel so. The words I'm typing don't seems to make any sense do they? Oh well, I am not trying to emphasize on anything at the moment.

*breathe in, breathe out*

Thanks to Allah for so many reasons, but if you wanted me to be specific, I shall say "Thank You, Allah for letting me passes each day with being able to still, embraces Islam as my Deen and having Iman in my heart. Thank You, Allah for you let each day passes beautifully that I'm done with two of my final papers and one more to go :')"

With that, I'm left with 5 more days till I can have my family back in my arms again. Aaaaaah my heart is in such an agony state that I think I would beat any 1st year students' homesickness >.<

What's with this weird feelings I'm having?
Entah, sampai bila.
O Allah! I seek for Your mercy.

Ps; To that particular someone, Happy 21st Birthday. I am not sorry or regret in any form for not being able to say that to your face anymore. Allah knows best for what He had in store for both of us. With that, may Allah guides our heart to be a better servant of His and may you strive hard for His jannah as that is what I am hoping you would do.

Stay happy, be healthy, and never let your mum down ever again.

x

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Self post-mortem.

Bismillah~

When you've started to make a movement, a step up from your current self, it does feel different ey?

Been takleef to conduct an usrah by my kakak naqibah, and it has been months since I carried out that responsibilities. Truth to be told, it was awkward at first, but we learnt, taking baby steps.

Subhanallah, how can I list His uncountable mercy towards me along the journey?

I am thankful for being able to have such mad'u, :') F, H, and the newbies whom just recently joined our usrah; T, O, M, you guys inspired me in so many ways on so many levels, masyaAllah! And I bet we have so many things to learn from each other from now on, inshaAllah.

I can never thank Allah enough for everything even if I have 1000 souls within me. Obviously not exaggerating. Heh.
_______________________________________________________________

You've read that emotional post of mine below? Err, I am hereby conveying my deepest apologies to have your eyes to read such post, huuuuuh.

'Everything in this world shall pass' said a very good friend of mine.

I thank Allah for sending both of my sahabat fillah when I needed support the most :') Hah, how can I EVER list His mercy and love towards me now? Allahuakbar. He is indeed the Most Gracious.

And can you believe that I've passed them? That obstacles I'm blabbering about? Can you believe it? I can pinch all parts of my skin and still, would not believe that it has been solved, in a nick of time.

Subhanallah.
Subhanallah.
:')
_________________________________________________________________

You wanted strength? You wanted to be able to control your anger? You wanted to be a full-time muslim? You wanted to improve your akhlak?

Allah tested you for such purposes, to ACTUALLY answer your prayers.

He gave you something to be angry about, something to solve, so that you'll learn how to manage your anger and confront your problems. I've said that this shall pass, and they did. They passed. I passed them.

Aaaaah, how can I not believe in Him now? :')

O Allah! I am Your sinful slave, and You are my Loving Lord.

x

Friday, May 4, 2012

Despite everything, she just laughs and I'm proud of her.

Bismillah~


Bila dalam waktu waktu kecemasan dan saya perlu ada di meja study 24/7 macam sekarang ni, saya perasan yang memang Allah akan hadiahkan ujian-ujian kecil yang mengusik emosi. Benda-benda yang selama ni kita tak perasan pun benda tu satu masalah, tapi bila dalam time crisis ni, mata dan hati macam pakai magnifying glass.


Semester 3 ujiannya paling menduga jiwa, semester 4 macam nak rabak hati saya, semester kali ni... subhanallah. Rasanya kalau tak kerana saya percaya pada ketentuan Allah Taala, tak mungkin saya boleh tidur nyenyak malam tadi dan bangun pagi dengan senang hati.


Allahuakbar.
Istifargh, banyak kali.


This obstacle I'm facing right now, is something that I never encounter before so I'm slightly worried for what will be the solutions and how I'm gonna live through this current state. Silap teknik tarik rambut, tepung boleh berserak keluar dari pinggan. If you know what I mean.


I know that beneath all these craps, I will find a diamond in disguise. Allah will not tested me with this, if He hadn't known that I will overcome this, no? This too, shall pass, as always. And I'm going to look back years from now, thinking Subhanallah, how did I passed that?


And the answer of course would be with Allah's mercy and blessings, :')


I seriously don't want to let myself to worry more than I should at the moment. Things will fall into its place. I want to believe in that. InshaAllah, inshaAllah.


___________________________________________________________________


Looking back, my old-self would be in furious state by now, and storm into everyone or everything that was on her way. She wouldn't care whose feelings she was going to hurt so that she herself would be pleased and contented. Ergh. I know, so save yourself from saying that.


At the moment, instead of cursing and complaining, she just laughs to everything despite the bitterness. Despite the heartache she's going through. Despite the fact that her tears are going to jerk.


And I'm proud of her now.
She has evolved to humans and install humanity into her traits!
Yaay her!


:)
X

Friday, April 27, 2012

Midnight Rants #3

Bismillah~

Memang makin dekat waktu untuk study leave, semangat nak menulis macam ombak laut yang hanya terus pasang tanpa punya surut. Err, saya kira ini ujian yang Allah bagi; tapi terselit nikmat. Boleh menulis (punya sesuatu untuk ditulis) dan mampu mengubah rasa menjadi kata tu satu nikmat. Untuk saya. *sengih*

Saya biasanya ke kelas sendirian, lebih suka jalan sendiri, tanpa perlu biar orang menunggu saya, tanpa perlu saya menunggu sesiapa. Senang, bila tak terikat. I kinda appreciate my 'me time' along the journey I had to take to get to my faculty.

Like you know, I would talk to myself (call me crazy, weird, forever alone and you think this face cares? heh), reminding myself on certain things regarding life, to not do this, to focus on that, to improve on this and that, and yadda yadda. I love to look at the world in a different angle, from a different typical perspective. And believe me that short 15 minutes walk can give myself a huge favor on creating motivations.

Offer me 1 million and see for yourself that I'd rather walk.

*Sadly, it's already Summer here (not that I'm being ungrateful for such weather, oh my Allah NO!) so I don't really get a chance to take a proper walk now, and I have been taking taxi too much lately. Throwing my precious LE2 every single day. Oh well.
.
.
.

I'm thinking of... deactivating my Facebook for awhile. I figured that I need to make that move. Not right now of course, since I still have classes until Sunday, need to download all the notes and lecture slides to study. And there's going to be a poster presentation in front of the Dean of Faculty of Medicine on 2nd of May. I still need to keep in touch with fellow PBL-mates regarding that matter.

Emmm? Maybe some time after that. You might think 'HA-HA-HA This girl is so funny that she's full of excuses and will never really deactivate her account'. It's nothing like that, really. Because I am seriously considering the fact that I need to have some time off from the internet and REALLY focusing on studies like I used to.

Way before Facebook and Twitter were invented. That's how serious I can be, if you figured much. Life without accounts on internet used to be peaceful, and I am determined to get such life back. Only if He wills me to, of course. :)

I'm off to bed now, a long day of Jumaah ahead of me tomorrow! Salam, x.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Midnight Rants. #2

Bismillah~ 


11.44 malam dan inshaAllah saya bakal beradu kejap lagi. Dah patut ke katil dah ni, tapi tiba-tiba teringin nak menulis. B, please bear with me please? Err, macam dah lama tak panggil nama blog ni :) B as in Bieyto. Dah lama tak treat awak as my personal diary~ 


This Semester 6 and my 3rd year of med school is almost to the end. Sikiiiit lagi habis Case 10 ni, we'll present our poster, and then we're off to 3 weeks of study leave and FINALS are saying 'Hello, peek-a-boo!' at its best. Heh. Time flies too fast that I can't even manage to take a sip of my Neslo! Okay, exaggerate -_- 


Excuse me. 


Alhamdulillah, I'm done re-arranging my furniture in the room, seeking for a better mood to face the finals (I'm quite good in interior designing, kehkehkeh), I'm done organizing my notes according to the cases, I'm done managing my moods and spirits to have an encounter with the finals (inshaAllah) so yeah, BRING IT ON, FINALS! :D 


Mind you that I still have to seek Allah's blessings in using time so that I don't easily be out of focus and wasting time on something isn't beneficial. Teenager is Shaytan's lunch, no? And when Shaytan can't make you do ma'siat, he'll make you waste your time. 


Huuuu. And if there comes to you from Satan an evil suggestion, then seek refuge in Allah. Indeed, He is the Hearing, the Knowing. [Al-Fussilat:36] 


Allah tu yang Paling Manis sekali kan? :') 
____________________________________________________________________


What university's life has done to me that I've lost my passion towards writing, coloring, drawing...? 
That is a question for me to answer so don't bother~ 
_____________________________________________________________________


Haritu tengok sikit drama Tentang Dhia lakonan Nora Danish dengan Adi Putra. Err, okaaay, it was one the best drama that portrays Islamic values, mashaAllah! Awal-awal scene nak perkenalkan watak Adi Putra as Ahmad Zikir tu dia dah tunjuk Zikir bangun solat Tahajud 3 to 4 times a week :')


Seriously, I could feel my heart beats faster than it usually does. 


Entah, rasa macam if I ever destined to have a spouse in my life, I pray that he'd be like Ahmad Zikir, struggling to be a better Muslim before he is married to me. :) Together, we strive, to be a better servant of His, before He let us meet and complete each other. 


Err, I am such a sweet-talker am I? -_-" 


Anyways, sebelum mencari, kita kena menjadi. :) Sebelum kita nakkan suami soleh, isteri solehah, kita PERLU jadi lelaki soleh, perempuan solehah. Tak adil lah untuk lelaki tu kalau kita nak dia sebab dia beriman sempurna Islamnya tapi kita sememeh je usaha untuk jadi gadis yang lebih baik. Kan? 


Oh my Allah, dah 12.16 pagi. Mintak diri dulu, karang saya terlajak Subuh (kat sini Allah uji Subuh kami 3.50 pagi hihi)~ 


Assalamualaikum, x