Monday, February 15, 2010

i wish i was that strong.

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Dear, Bieyto.

Aku bukan tengah down, bukan. Bukan tu. But there's this some part of me that feels uncomfortable, uneasy and what nots with the current situations. I have been keeping this for quite some time and I need to let it out but... Urghhh, never mind. Let me say this just once. Perhaps it's my flaw. Scratch that. IT IS MY FLAW. Heh.

*Sighs.

I wish I could say what I wanted you to hear. There are so many things to say, plenty of it but I can't seems to get a grip to say it out loud. Maybe, just maybe, I was too darn afraid that I might hurt your feelings. Kita dah sampai sini. Dah jauh, kan?

For that matter of fact, I can't bear to see all the hopes and efforts made, crash in the nick of time if I dare to say those things I intend to say for a long time now.

For one bloody seconds, I wish I can let my guard down.
No.
I wish I am BRAVE ENOUGH to let my guard down.

When I come to think of it... Yes. I am being a different me, a lot different. And I kind of like it to be this way, being different I mean, but I can see that you are struggling to put up with this 'new' me. I don't blame you. In fact, I can't. This new world changes me. Egypt changes me. In a good way, of course. :)

And I must say that I would love to discover any further changes I might going through after this. I am up for it ! Pelan pelan, sikit sikit, insyaAllah. :)

But then, am I being selfish to you by trying to do so? Hmph. Either way, one of us will be hurt. Life is hard indeed, isn't it? Deceiving seems to be the popular option nowadays and I was too afraid to choose the road not taken. My bad. And listen, you are not the one to be blame. I believe, neither am I.

For heaven sake, I am very sorry to say this, but I don't think you would understand on the slightest bit what I am going through right now. Sorry for not being able to say this a lot sooner. My heart aches in despair. I wish I was that strong to tell you and to choose a path that might hurt you.

I thought about it with such great, great care.
And yet.. Why can't we live without hurting anyone?
*smirking. -- Akai Ito.

To gain something, you must lose something. I wonder if I will ever ready to lose you to be a better me...?

nhmnrh,
11.36 pm; Mansoura.

2 comments:

Nurulhana2000 said...

Always believe in yourself sayang. Often times, it is always harder to conquer ourselves as compare to the whole world.

Yup, bear in mind we cannot have EVERYTHING...we gain some and we lose some. I trust that you are mature and wise enough to differentiate right from wrong and good from bad.

When I was at your age back in the States, the feelings of uncertainty have always become my best friend. What did I do? I resorted to Allah to answer my prayers.

nhmnrh said...

insyaAllah, i'll try my very best, mi.
:)